So today...I get up, get ready, go to the college for some stuff. Come back, go to library, read for a bit, go to Bolster's, leave, go to park*, leave, explore with Brandy**, go back to Bolster's, watch movie.

* Ok, so I went to the park. I really wanted someone to go with me, but nobody would! I knew what would happen if I was allowed to go ANYWHERE by myself. I knew it was coming. I didn't want to go through it alone either...FOR ONCE IN A LONG TIME I DIDN'T WANT TO DO THIS ALONE!. 
\
I broke down. First, I ran. Well, the running went like this...I would walk fast, jog, bust out running, jog again...walk...run...(realize my knee is about to pop out then slow to a walk again)...walk walk walk , run run run.....breathe, run....POP! MOTHER OF MONKEYS, STUPID KNEE! I didn't say it, but I was really wanting too. So then I walked. This went on for 45 minutes or so...then I walked up to the bridge to go back to my car.

*COLLAPSE* Right on the bridge! STARTED BAWLING!

I DIDNT WANT TO DO THIS ALONE! I WANTED TO BE HELD.

Four people walk by, as I am just sitting there....they move over to the COMPLETE opposite side of the bridge as me. Stupidheads. I must look uglier when I'm crying, they seemed afraid of me.

I try to get up, can't, legs limp....sit there and cry more cuz I'm such a weakling.

**She saved my day. I had quit my bawling before I hung out with her though. WE explored and it was great. Then we text Noah, bugged him for a bit, had jack in the crack for dinner, well snack. I really haven't been eating in the last few weeks. If it wasn't for Brandy I think I would have killed myself running.

Its times like today I wish I wasn't such a loner, I wish I didn't push everyone away. Its my fault nobody would come with me, it always is. Nobody takes me seriously enough, I don't share enough, I don't tell people why I want them to come.

I'm a looser.

Then tonight, I kept noticing how fat I am. I was watching a movie, and I was getting disgusted with my stupid stomach, WHY!

I really hope I spelled that correctly.

That is how I have felt today. I feel like being mean, blunt, and just telling all the people off that make me mad in a days time. Which would be al ot of people. I feel I am becoming more insensitve and there is nothing I can really do to stop it, since it seems to be something I need to grow in. Does that even make sense? I am detached from people, at least most people. There are a few I put my trust in and have become somewhat attached to. But the moment they start to push away I put up my barriers.

I also feed off of human touch. I love being held by a friend, but I am really picky who. However, I feel odd because I feed off the touch from someone like a vampire feeds off blood. Is that wrong? I mean, the person I cuddles with doesn't not mind. But I do feel like I use them for that at times, cuz I need it...it gives me a push I guess you could say.

UG, sick of thinking

I have not blogged in a couple of days, so let me update!

I actually suck at updating, so I will just ramble on and you will get the picture. Yesteday Mum and I went to Ikea and finally picked me up a bed frame and bookshelf. They are lovely. Speaking of bed, I need to make it *sitting right next to bed, tried to use jedi mind tricks to get the bed to make itself*....dangit.

Anyway, I spent six hours working on that yesterday, I have a little more to finish today. Mainly just getting my LOTR collage onto my corkboard, hangin up my other photos and cleaning up the mess outside my room.

Noah is doing well. He is scheduled to go in for surgery on Friday morning, if he has to get his head shaved, it looks like Starbucks is going to try and do a fundraiser and I, plus some others, will get their heads shaved. But I don't know if I am going to be able to, my dad got really ticked at the idea. He does not want his little girl to have a shaved head and look like a boy. Dangit, I have always wanted to shave my head, and this would be for a good cause!!

I don't really have much time to blog a lot, or be on here for long...so I am going to leave the post the way it is, make my bed, eat some breakfast, do my laundry, finish my room, and go to work till 10-:30 tonight! YAY!

Ash

Hello!

Well, I have been busy the last two days. Friday night I was at a friends house. One of my co-workers sister had called me around midnight to tell me that Noah, the co-worker, was in the hospital and would not make it to work in the morning. Noah has a brain tumor. The doctors are optimistic about it though, its just a little one, in an easy place to remove, and its actually common for guys to have this type of tumor. So, Noah is going to be fine. I think a lot of the staff at Starbucks was freakin out. Its understandable though, most people hear brain tumor and think, "DOOM DOOM DOOM!!!!".

I am fine with it all. Noah is a tough kid! He will bust through this and it will be well. I went and saw him today with Joanna, another co-worker. It was weird seeing him with some tubes coming out of him, but he was a little bit awake. He was still mouthy and attitudey just like Noah though. I may go back tomorrow with Brandy, then again on Wednesday with Suzanne and Megan(Mee-gan). So, I guess I may be a little popular with the family after a while if I go too much.

Should I not support him in this time or is it wrong? I don't have feelings for him, he is a friend. I am ok with showing up right? I don't know. I love the kid, he is like a little brother.

I am dressed and ready to get to work right now anyway, I have a later shift. I feel like I may have wasted most of my time today, but I know I didn't.

I hope I can be with friends tomorrow at some point.

*edit*

I really did not put realizations in this blog. So let me do that here quickly!

My realization is, I am sorduv cold and callused. But I still care about people a ton. I have not cried, I have not worried, I have not gone hysterical. And that is a good thing when everyone else is really worried.

I feel more and more that this is the process I must take to do the job I want to do for the rest of my life.

I hope it is working, but I do not want to be so cold that I don't care. I am working on that happy meduim in between caring too much and not caring at all.

I have realized too, I am stronger than I give myself credit for.

Today was not terribly bad. I was almost late for work since I miscalculated what time I would need to take a shower to get out the door to work. I was suppose to leave at 9:45 to get to work, be in the shower no later than 9....but I thought I didn't have to leave till 10:15 to get to work.....but that was when I started. I realized this at 9:!5.(jumps in shower real quick).

Work was long, different, and boring. I was excited to come home, but now that I am here I don't see why. I did another essay. I redid mine for the essay on Zaadz.


I am pretty much emotionless right now. I feel hollow, a bit empty.

In my waking this morning I felt today was going to be a waste. I didn't feel good, I couldn't get moving and man I just felt sooooo lethargic! However, after spending half the morning watching Stargate and then finally getting the gumption to shower, I did so. Then after that I did the essays, submitted two of them, went to the bank(with my dog Korkie), deposited some money, got a smoothie, and came home.

At home I fixed some dinner for Mum, Dad and I. Cooked up some corn, cornbread, and beef stew for the parents. * I do not much care for meat and am allergic to beef* Then I fixed some delicious pancakes and mashed up strawberries to top them with. Mum then informed me I had kitchen clean up. During dinner we all watched Stargate. I finally got bored and could not sit any longer till the kitchen was finally cleaned. Upon finishing the kitchen I realized I finally got my "Oommph" back. I didn't know what to do. Then I was looking through a sale paper and saw a chair I have been wanting to get for a while, and remembered Mum wanted to me take the one dog kennel out of my room since it was not neccessary in there anymore. I was thinking of finally getting the kennel out to see if I had enough room for that chair.

The kennel came out of my room. I looked around the newly spacious room and decided it needed a little updating. I hadn't moved the pictures on my walls in quite some time and I hadn't been able to rearrange stuff.

I took EVERYTHING off my walls other than the corkboard and put it all up differently. I found stuff to get rid of, finally hung my mirror that I have had for three years on my wall, put more of my art work on my wall, and put all of my LOTR stuff on one wall. I now have a LOTR wall, I am excited about that. I then cleaned my other bookshelf. I have two since I have SOOO many books, but I cleaned the other one a couple nights ago.

So this week I have cleaned my room just about thouroughly. I am proud of that achievement. OH! And I was also able to put my Happy Feet poster up! It has The Amigos on it.

This day just reminded me again, that no matter how you feel when you wake up life can pull a complete 180 on you by the end of the day. I am just glad today went from bad to GREAT!

Hope this was a fun read!

Ok, so I have posted way too much on my page today, but technically the first one was yesterday!

I completed part of my goals today. I submitted two of my scholarship essays. I am in the process of writing two more, but I am working on it! I am taking my time on them. Which is a good thing to do no?

Can any of you give me some pointers on the best ways to write essays for these scholarships?

Hmm, White Stripes help a lot when writing essays!

Motivation, destination, and imagination.

I am feeling rather glum. Mostly because I have no gumption to just get up and go. I have been up since 9:15, but I still am not showered or dressed. I need to get ready, but I just don't want to. Why?! I really don't know what is wrong with me. But I am going to make myself, then I am going to study my Swahili and do my essays...maybe while watching Stargate, but that's ok. *sigh* And maybe I should look over the requirements I need as well. I really want a AAAS, but I don't see how I am going to get it in four more quarters.

And frankly, that is just peachy.

I am dealing with a lot of stressful issues as of late. I am bummed out that it looks like I may not be able to get my associates in Arts and Sciences along with all my prereqs for nursing. I was really hoping to hit two birds with one stone in that area. Dad noticed I was bummed out today. I ate dinner in my room while I watched Stargate on the laptop.

I did do well in my eating today. Not as much eatin, which is good. I did have a great dinner though. Wheat thins, some cheddar, grapes and steamed rice! Oh man do I ever love rice. It is literally a staple food of mine. I used to make rice and cheese like mac and cheese, loved it. BUt then as I realized fat intake, I decided I should not do that anymore. I even cut Mac and Cheese out of my diet, I love mac and cheese. Noodles...mmm...dangit.

The scholarship essays are coming along. I am going to be in deep need of them.

I need a hug.